Trigger Warning- Molestation, Suicide, Depression, Eating Disorder
•Family, it turns out..•
When I was growing up, my household was family oriented
Always getting visits from grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles
We grew so close it was like they never left
Hugs and kisses were getting thrown around like it was nothing
It was routine
I never thought it was anything strange
I never thought about what they were thinking
I just thought this is what families did
Turns out it’s not
Ya, they can tell you to smile
But he should never stroke your thigh
He should never touch you the way you would want your lover to embrace you
You are more than just breasts, legs, an ass and lips
The clothes you wear should not be removed unless you want them to be
You can say “do not touch me – please go”
He won’t let you
I’m telling you he won’t!
He will say whatever he can to make you stay and not leave
He will tell you “you will get in trouble” “this is our little secret”
“don’t leave or I’ll do it to your little sister”
Your mind is telling you to run, grab your sister and leave!
Scream on the top of your lungs
Believe me, you will scream louder than you could ever know
But you won’t do that
You will sit there in that bed, naked
Yes, naked
All because you don’t want anyone to hurt that little girl that looks up to you.
Years go by
You are now thirteen years old
That little violated girl you used to be is now that depressed, suicidal, attention seeker that just wants help!
Your little sister is now nine years old
She begins to come home every Friday with tears rushing down her face, but never saying what’s wrong…
But you know…
You know he touched her
You know he molested your little sister just like how he used to do to you
You call it quits
You run to the nearest teacher at school the next day and you just let it out
You let it all out.
It has been three hours since you told someone
The police, social services, your parents and even your little darling sister all arrive
They talk to each of us individually
You question yourself asking,
“what have I done?”
You notice how everyone stares at you,
Your little sister had to show the police where he touched her
She looks terrified
Your parents look mortified
And you, well, you are just wishing you were dead
The only thing stopping you is your sister
You couldn’t just let her go through the years of torcher you went through, alone, could you?
Six years have gone by,
You have night terrors every time you close your eyes
The terrors consist of you living the last ten years of your life over and over again
You fear that he will come and find you!
You will never trust another man!
You don’t think you could love another human being again…
You will never have high self-esteem
You can never fully enjoy life again, all because of that man you used to call your uncle!
He was family!
Family doesn’t do that!
Turns out they do.
This piece of writing above may have been hard for you to read and may have possibly even caused some triggers for you, for that I apologize, I feel you and I hear you. I wrote this slam poem when I was 15 years old.
So that makes it 6 years ago that I was given the opportunity to challenge myself, face my past experiences head on, and share my deepest darkest secrets out loud to approximately 200 individuals. Was it absolutely
nerve wrecking? Yes. Did I have sweat marks galore because not even my deodorant could contain the amount of anxiety I was feeling? Without doubt.
Was I horrified that I would be shamed? Absolutely.
But, did I think there was a slight possibility that someone could benefit from me sharing my story, whether that was by educating, letting someone know they are not alone, and possibly them even reaching out, sharing
their story, and getting any help they may need, making it all worth it?
100 PERCENT YES
and I would do it again in a heartbeat.
However, unfortunately whenever I mention writing and speaking about
my poem I always “forget” to leave a piece of information out… but today I am facing it head on with all of you, and being even more vulnerable
because I know in the end it will give me peace of mind, strength to better myself, and fortunately allow me to
embrace my body my sensual sexual soul has decided to inhibit.
During that time frame, I was trying to
destroy my body by developing an eating disorder. I wanted to repulse others because…
I was an individual who grew up fearing my body as it was sexualized at such a young age.
I was afraid to dress a certain way, I was afraid to show my body, I was afraid to embrace and even acknowledge that I had so much knowledge about the human body and sexual behaviour.
But now I am a young adult who loves self-expressing sexuality and finding freedom away from sexualization since it was taken from me at such a young age.
I now know that I am not here to be sexualized,
I am here to love and empower myself,
be sexual and sensual if I feel like it,
take back ownership of my own body and my sexual expression while unlearning the shame and enforcing the sexual experiences and pleasure
I can have.
Since that moment of being so vulnerable, trying to free my shame, and embracing my body as my own, I have really tried to capture myself, connect with myself on a deeper level, and bring acceptance into my life for the things that happen. It has been a long mental journey for I have wondered off the path several times and had to find my way back.
I am not perfect, no one is.
But I am the only person who can control who I am, what I stand for, and how I want to grow as a person…
and the same goes for you.
Luckily throughout this journey I have gained the determination for
self-acceptance.
Using My Trauma to Find My Passion
For myself the discovery of self-acceptance has brought forth some perspectives, everything happens for a reason, I have the ability to always find and bring a positive perspective out of a negative situation, and the last one is actually enlightened by my father who mentioned his goal in life was to better the world even if it is in the smallest of ways.
A big take away from self-acceptance that I have discovered was that even though sometimes the only thing I can pull out from certain circumstances is the ability to broaden my education and gain real life experience,
understanding and appreciation, than that is more than enough to support myself and my goals, motivate others, and thrive to be the best version of myself possible.
Even though it has taken me years to get to the place where I am today, I am grateful I can turn my old shames into acceptance and embrace the person I worked so hard to destroy for years because of my trauma.
Here I am now, turning my old shames into my drive.
A drive to educate and help others with any type of
sexual matter and empowering them while doing so.
– Shyan
https://www.instagram.com/campbell99shyan/?hl=en
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