I remember the first time I questioned my own existence.
Call it what you will, introspection, self-awareness, depression, whatever it was, it was an uncomfortable and foreign thing for an eight year old to experience. I clearly recall thinking to myself “Why am I here?”. This feeling that life was an ill fitting t-shirt that would forever suffocate me filled me with fear. To this day, this discomfort lingers. I’ve come to the understanding that this may just be a permanent disposition for me. Eternally trapped in a vessel that doesn’t fit. I often wonder if the world would be different if we spoke more openly about these emotions. Though we’ve come so far, we’re still shamed for being truly raw and candid when relating to mental illness. I think breaking the chains society casts on us would help us all feel a little more human. We’ve all, for the most part, experienced moments of despair, and yet we shun one another for speaking too freely about such a thing without first building up this invisible construct of acceptable depth with another person before opening up. But why?
I’ve experienced abuse. I’ve experienced trauma. I’ve witnessed things my mind won’t seem to let me forget. I’ve lost those I love abruptly and without goodbyes. I’ve wronged. I’ve suffered. But I’ve prevailed. We all have. If you’re still here, if you’re reading this, you’ve survived every hard moment thus far. And that’s a pretty incredible track record. I still have to remind myself of this every day. In my moments of weakness I still find myself wondering if I’ll ever be totally okay. And the truth is, I probably won’t be. But that’s a part of being human. With every bad day, there WILL be a good one, even if it seems to take forever to come. There will always be those “thank God I was alive to experience this” moments, and even as brief as they may be, they’re the silver linings that keeps going.
My point is, to remind yourself that you can do this, whatever “this” is. Because you’re stronger than you think, braver than you seem, and more intelligent than you give yourself credit for. Open up, talk about it if you need to, breaking down these barriers are bound to make this world a much safer place for all of us to exist in.
And just like an ill fitting t-shirt, we will have days of discomfort and frustration, and days so carefree the cloth on your skin will be the furthest thing from your mind. By: Pillow Talk Brand Ambassador Marissa https://www.instagram.com/marissaphoenix/
After following Cierra for a while I knew I wanted to shoot with her. I’d reached out to her a few times, complimenting her work, inquiring about shoots, and even did makeup on one of her clients before their own shoot! I was so envious. Cierra has a natural talent for making these women glow effortlessly and I wanted to look like that too! I kept waiting for the right time to try and book my shoot but something always seemed to come up. I really had the subconscious fear of; what if she can’t make me look like the other women she’s photographed?
Then the opportunity to become a brand ambassador came along, I was super nervous even just applying! But, since then I’ve never looked back, and wish I had booked with her sooner. Not only did I wind up with some of the most amazing pictures, but so much more. Cierra single handedly created a diverse community of women. Women that want to support and empower other women with each of their own followings and their own businesses. On top of that she, for the first time in a long time, made me feel comfortable. She helped me to eliminate the feeling of needing to compare and she helped me find confidence in my body around other gorgeous women all while in very minimal clothing. Knowing that each and every one of us was beautiful in our own way, and yeah it might sound cheesy but I will never forget the transition I felt.
After some small talk and introductions it was time to get changed, I was shaking like a leaf; literally peeling away the comfort zone of my loose fitting sweater and panicking knowing I had to go back out there, interact with everyone, and pose for the camera; while they looked, judged, maybe even starred. But that didn’t happen… no one seemed to care. We were all half naked at that point, but rather than the disapproving up and down looks I worried I might get, I was showered with compliments and gave out a couple myself as well. I looked around the room, watching Marissa (a well-seasoned boudoir model) show us how it’s done and killing it might I add. It felt as though those insecurities never existed.
I won’t lie, when it was my turn to get up in front of the camera I still had a lot of anxiety, and I think Cierra saw that. But, she explained to me exactly what to do and how to pose, even using herself as an example to show me when I misunderstood. She made me feel comfortable, sharing the shots with me, and not pushing for more if I wasn’t okay to do so. The other ambassadors cheered me on and created content behind the scenes. The energy in the room was magical.
This is what I want my life to be full of; like-minded people coming together to work together, promote, and support each other. Each of us has our own unique niche that we’re passionate about, but together bring a collective energy unlike any other I’ve been a part of. I want to thank the other ambassadors for doing what they do, doing it well, and being so passionate about it. But I want to give a special thanks to Cierra, for allowing us this opportunity, for her hustle and drive, and for her genuine care for all of us. Most importantly, thank you Cierra for showing me my beauty and for giving me an outlet to hopefully do the same for others as well.
Its society’s nature to define me. Daughter, wife, mother, even legal professional, but these are just titles. I believe, it’s how you define yourself and know the person you want to be that matters.
Every morning I wake up, I make a decision – I can let the hardships of life weigh on me, or I can choose to be the most loving, caring, happy and positive version of myself I can be. It doesn’t matter how tired or drained I feel, or how much I want to stay in bed and give up that day – I always choose positivity. Some days I succeed, I have a brighter outlook, a bigger smile, I am able to help people around me, some days I fail. Everyone’s life gets hard. We hit phases where we deal with things, some things bigger than others – but it is how to respond and react to those phases that will make the difference to you – and those around you. How often – do you notice someone in a negative place in their life with the way they treat others around them? Are you one of those people? Everyone carries the pain of the past, and fear for the future with them; I encourage you to find happiness and sense of strength knowing the healing you went through with the pain in whatever the circumstance was
How does this relate to boudoir? Taking the layers off, and embracing my true vulnerable self. Looking back at photos – how someone else sees me – reflecting, at the person I choose to be every day– on my “good days” and the “bad”- knowing my flaws, my weakness, my insecurities, my mistakes – I see the layers of pain and fear that I have torn away and mould myself into how I want to be defined in my own eyes – aren’t they the ones that matter? I am more than my titles – though imperfect – I am strong, I am brave, I am woman.
Well, let me start by saying what a wonderful decision that is!
My first session with Cierra at Pillow Talk Studios was incredibly eye-opening into the world of boudoir. It’s something I have wanted to do for many years, but never felt like I had the looks or body for it. Whenever I came across boudoir online, it was always of models with no folds or stretch marks to be found.
To a young plus size girl, this was incredibly discouraging. It was a while till I discovered a photographer that did nude portfolios of women my size and larger, and all the women were so beautiful, no matter their shape, size, and colour. Each photo was simple, and captured these women in all their natural glory. This is what sparked my want to have photos taken of myself – however wanting and doing are two completely different things.
Fast forward to finding Pillow Talk; I was so happy to discover there was a boudoir photographer in my area who was not only body positive, but took hauntingly gorgeous photos to top. It then became my mission to have a shoot with Cierra – and I couldn’t be happier. The whole experience is unlike any other shoot I have had with a photographer. She is extremely calming, supportive, and full of ideas. If you go into a shoot nervous, those feelings will surely leave you quickly, and instead be replaced with confidence and body love. I don’t quite know how to explain why I felt this way, only that as soon as I got into my first pose, I didn’t have any worry about my least favourite body parts – like they suddenly had become my favourites. My large thighs became plush handholds, and my tummy became another curve to add to my collection.
The first time Cierra turned her camera around and showed me a few of the photos she had taken, I had a moment of “Wait, that’s me? That’s what I look like?”. I couldn’t believe how much I LOVED the way I looked. After that, trying poses that I would have never dreamed of became something so exciting! It didn’t matter that I have a tummy, or stretch marks, or a double chin – what mattered was I loved myself, and these photos are a way to prove to me that I am beautiful.
I find it easy to see beauty in women of all kinds. But seeing it in myself is much more complicated, and full of demons from past and present. Doing boudoir has given me more confidence in myself than I have ever had, and I really, truly believe that women of all kinds can find that same love for themselves that I have.
If you are still unsure, that’s okay. But I can tell you that I am incredibly happy with my choice to face my fears and insecurities, and see myself for what I really am.
“Today I asked my body what she needed, Which is a big deal Considering my journey of Not Really Asking That Much.
I thought she might need more water. Or protein. Or greens. Or yoga. Or supplements. Or movement.
But as I stood in the shower Reflecting on her stretch marks, Her roundness where I would like flatness, Her softness where I would like firmness, All those conditioned wishes That form a bundle of Never-Quite-Right-Ness She whispered very gently:
Could you just love me like this?” – Hollie Holden
One of every eight women will struggle with infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss. I am one of those eight. In the past 5 years I have gone though 7 miscarriages. I have had more vials of blood drawn and tested than I can count. I have undergone 3 surgeries with general anesthesia and 3 other painful exploratory procedures with local anesthetic. I have missed hundreds of hours of work and travelled even more kilometers to attend specialist appointments.
All of this, and no answer has been found to explain why. My diagnosis: Unexplained Secondary Infertility.
My daughter was born a few months before my 21st birthday. I had not planned to become a mother so young, but along she came on Christmas Day, 2008. The greatest Christmas gift I have ever been given. Her father and I came together in a whirlwind of young, immature, love and it fell apart just as fast, as most of these relationships usually do.
Fast forward 10 years. I have been married to my amazing husband for nearly 5 years. We have been trying for a child of our own together for that same amount of time. After the first two losses we joked that we hoped it wasn’t a trend. Now, 5 years later, we’re living the awful story we joked about so many years before.
People don’t like to talk about miscarriage and pregnancy loss. It makes them uncomfortable. What are you supposed to say to someone who has just learned that the tiny mass of budding life they were carrying has stopped growing, and all of those flashes of the future they couldn’t help but envision would never happen? How are you supposed to comfort someone trying to come to terms with the fact that there might be something wrong with the one thing their body was DESIGNED to do? The truth is you can’t. There is nothing to be done. Pregnancy loss is a deeply personal journey.
My losses at first only affected the way I saw my physical body. Maybe I’m not eating healthy enough? Am I not drinking enough water? Too much caffeine? Vitamins and supplements? Do I weigh too much? I had gained a lot of weight in my previous pregnancy, topping out at 250lbs just after she was born. I still struggled with the remaining 20 lbs.
I was moderately active at this time. I had discovered kickboxing about a year prior and quickly fell in love with the intense demand of skill and stamina. Shortly after I joined as a member I became a Trainer, and still presently I love coaching women to find and fan the flames of their own inner fires.
I hydrated, slept better, ate better, exercised more; still the losses kept coming.
About two years ago I joined another local gym in town, thinking I needed to do more to improve. I hired a Personal Trainer and with her help I further improved my health and physique and discovered a deep love of weight training. I counted my macros, I drank all the water, I supplemented with the proper vitamins; still, the losses kept happening.
After the 5th or 6th loss my mental and emotional health fell apart. I cried daily, cursing whatever God there might be and wondering why me? I became a shell of my former self. I was short-tempered and moody. I saw myself as worthless, a failure. I told my husband that I wished he had married someone else who could give him a child of his own. I would stand in the mirror and tear my body apart. I vividly recall looking myself in the eye after examining my body up and down and thinking, “you’re ridiculous. What are you even trying for?” I fell apart further and wound up suffering a month-long emotional breakdown. I wound up quitting a full-time well-paying office management position for a local medical specialist. I was 30 and out of work with a mortgage and other bills to worry about. I had hit my bottom.
Then one day I decided to change my thinking. Yes, it sounds cliché but I realized that I had been letting something I had no control over dictate how I lived my life. I was so tired of being the victim of my own circumstances. In that moment I took back control over the things I could. I sought treatment for my mental health and began the process of accepting the things my body had been through. I began by telling myself daily that it was not my fault, even though I didn’t believe it at the time. I reminded myself that I am here on this Earth to do more than procreate. Slowly, I began to believe it.
I started to enjoy my workouts for ME, not just because I had this idea in my head that I had to do it to get pregnant. I began to enjoy eating healthy because it made me feel good, not because the fertility articles said it would help. I decided on a new career path and became a Certified Personal Trainer with an internationally recognized company, and now I am able to channel my passion for fitness into something constructive, and help other people discover their own strength along the way.
All of a sudden I was in a better place mentally, emotionally and physically. I was beginning to feel like myself again, something that I had thought I lost all those years ago.
I needed to celebrate this milestone. Mentally and physically I was in the best place I had ever been, and it took me 31 years to get there. There was no way I was going to let this moment pass without documenting it.
Enter Pillow Talk Studios. I had seen her work online before, and a girlfriend of mine I work with had recently shared photos of her own Boudoir session on her personal page. I wondered if I had what it took to do one of these sessions myself.
Before I had time to think about it I sent her a message on Instagram, and before I knew it we were talking on the phone about what my reasons were for wanting a Boudoir session and what it meant to me. I knew as soon as we got off the phone that this was exactly what I needed to do.
The day of my session was both exciting and nerve-wracking. Was I really going to parade around half-naked in front of a complete stranger?! I approached getting ready as if I was preparing for a big first date, I did my hair and make-up with meticulous attention and carefully chose my outfits based on how they made me feel when I wore them. It was time to go. No turning back now.
If I could go back and repeat that day all over again I would a million times. I felt beautiful, sexy, empowered and so strong. I loved the opportunity to embrace my femininity in such a bold way. Cierra kept it light and fun, and never once did I feel uncomfortable. She’s creative in her posing and knows how to elicit that look to take your photos from good to incredible.
When I saw the final photos, I knew I did something amazing for myself. My body is not perfect. It has dimples where I always thought it should be smooth, it rolls where I thought it should be flat and taught and it has been the cause of some of the biggest pain I’ve ever endured. But it is so much more than that; it is strong, able to endure those repeated losses and still come back from it. My booty might have dimples, my stomach might have stretch marks, but I am a beautiful goddamn goddess in my own right.
Your body is worth celebrating no matter where you are on life’s journey. There is no ‘right’ time to do anything, and Boudoir is one of those things. Boudoir is for every body, all the time.
I sincerely hope my story will resonate with at least one person who thinks they aren’t worth it. I hope that in reading this you will understand that no matter what you circumstance, your body is doing the best it can and sometimes life isn’t fair. Celebrate where you are right now, because you might not have the opportunity to do so again.
“And I said to my body softly, I want to be your friend It took a long breath and replied, I have been waiting my whole life for this.” – Unknown
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
